It is about us
by manipi
Summary: Well... this is just what I would imagine Qhuinn and Blay having their HEA. Enjoy! Charachters belong to JR Ward
1. Chapter 1 Break up

Blay found himself once again sitting in the dark of his bedroom, tears running down his cheeks and the felling of emptiness taking over everything he felt inside. This has become so familiar to him. God, how many times during this last year hasn't he been in this situation, just crying and thinking of his pyrocant. Every time he felt even a glimmer of hope or some happiness at all, one look at Qhuinn and he was here again. Being sad and broken about the fact that everything he wanted in the world was right under his nose, but at the same time so far away. And tonight's sad Fade Ceremony has left him even more emotional than usual. Life was so short, even if you had centuries; like their kind naturally had, it was still so short. And he was wasting it, pinning after a male that would never, ever be his.

Saxton has embraced him tonight, comforted him and even with those strong arms around him he still wished that Qhuinn was there instead. Saxton knew this, and said that he didn't care but Blay knew and felt the difference. And while they embraced earlier tonight, Blay saw Qhuinn and stared into those beautiful mismatched eyes, for the first time in what felt like forever. And what he saw there made him stop breathing. Qhuinn was looking at him with longing and love, probably missing their friendship and nothing more and even though Blay hated himself for it, the love he felt for the guy was showing in his face. After everything they saw tonight with Thorment's tragedy and Fade ceremony, he didn't have the straight in him to suppress his feelings. He loved the guy and tonight he showed him this once again. And once again he was left there trembling. The look in Qhuinn's eyes while their eyes were locked told him that he wanted something more. The look lasted longer than any look he had given Blay earlier and no matter how hard he didn't want to a glimmer of hope started to break through inside him. But as always, Qhuinn looked down and turned away. And left. Left him shaking in the arms of his lover, who most probably, knew what was going on behind him. Who has been in the doorway and why Blay suddenly shaked like a leave in stormy weather.

Blay wasn't an idiot. He wasn't hoping for anything anymore because what would be a point to that. Usually he didn't allow himself to look at Qhuinn because every time he did he wished that things could be different. Qhuinn has made his point and Blay had heard his message loud and clear. Everything was loud and clear, words spoken between them replying in his mind over and over, Qhuinn's broken but determined face etched before his eyes: "Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, take care of yourself." It has been more than a year since they said goodbye on that balcony. Or, since Qhuinn so politely dismissed him by speaking those words and Blay obligated knowing that there was no point in fighting or denying it. Qhuinn was so kindly asking him to fuck of. So Blay did just that. He has kept his distance and not spoken to the guy ever since. Well, they have spoken but not like they used to. They greeted each other, maybe exchanged a few words now and then about topics such as weather, the ongoing war with the lesser's and other safe things, but never more than that. He didn't know how the guy was, what was going on in his life, if he was happy and honestly he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know. He knew that Qhuinn was with Layla now, but not knowing the details on that relationship was what kept him from climbing up the walls. That, and his own relationship with Saxton.

When he thought of Saxton he felt even more stinging in his eyes, and more tears coming. This was so unfair to Sax, Blay knew this, but at the same time he needed the guy like a lifeline. Their relationship was liberal and Saxton has time and time again said that he will step aside if Blaylock wanted something else, referring mainly to Qhuinn. But somewhere along the line things have changed for his lover and that liberal and easy relationship they shared, wasn't so easy anymore. Saxton looked at Blay more and more often the same way that Blay used to look at someone else. Someone that he nowadays doesn't dare to look at out of fear of everything showing in his face, like tonight. He was living a lie, and in these dark moments he couldn't lie to himself. He was disgusted with himself and his own weakness. And this time, tonight, that feeling of disgust didn't fade away. He needed a change, needed things to be different. Enough with everything, he thought to himself, enough with lying to himself, pretending to be ok when inside he was falling apart, enough with avoiding Qhuinn out of fear of start crying before the guy and most of all enough with treating Saxton like crap. The guy deserved so much more in life than a lover who was pinning and wishing for someone else. Unfortunately for them both Blay couldn't give him what he needed. Once he thought he could, he thought that time will wipe away every feeling he felt toward Qhuinn and he will be able to give Sax what he needed, but no. He couldn't force his heart to do that. He needed some distance and start anew somewhere else. Leave this mansion, leave Brotherhood and go on somewhere else. Far away from Saxton and from those beautiful mismatched eyes that every day haunt him in his dreams. This realization eased him up and for the first time in forever he felt that maybe he would survive.

"Hey, what's wrong" Saxton's voice came to him through the dark and took him back to reality. Blay, who was sitting on the bad, his back towards the door, turned around and looked at his lover. Just seeing him standing there in the doorway, with light from the hall outside behind him, looking like the male of worth he really was, made Blay chuckle and cry even harder. Why couldn't he force himself to feel what he should feel towards this beautiful male? Blay started shaking and crying, burying his face in his hands. Saxton came forward, closing the door behind him. He took Blay into his embrace and once again started comfort him like all the other times they found themselves in this situation. Blay crying, being sad or just being there without really being there, and Saxton always trying to find ways to make him feel better.

"It will work out Blay. I know that he was there in the doorway earlier tonight. I could feel it while I was holding you. He will come around, he just needs time" Saxton's voice soothed and Blay was feeling anger waking up inside of him. This is pathetic, they were pathetic. They really were and he was sick of it. One pinning after another male, and the other one just looking and wishing that things were different. He stopped crying in an instant, straightened himself up and just looked into Saxton?s eyes.

"Stop it, just stop" Blay found himself saying.

"What" Saxton answered, his eyes burying into Blay's while sadness started making its way through.

"Stop talking about him. Stop making me feel better when I pinning after him. Stop embracing me when you should be mad as hell that I am looking at him and wishing that he was the one holding me and not you."

"Blaylock, I.." Saxton stammered, not knowing what to say or how to react. He probably wasnt expecting this reaction. Like all the other times they were in this situation, Saxton probably expected that Blay would be sad for a while and he would comfort him. That would lead them to bed, Blay pretending that someone else was there with him and Saxton taking everything that Blay was willing to give. Well no...not tonight.

"Why can't you be mad at me? Tell me to stop pinning after him, give me an ultimatum, and tell me to go fuck myself or something. You just come to me over and over; comfort me while I pine after him. No...no more Saxton. I can't do this anymore"

For the first time since their relationship begun Blay saw frustration and anger in Saxton's stare. Saxton was now standing in front of Blay but took a few steps back, turned around and stood by the window instead, his back towards Blaylock. It wasn't hard to see that he was struggling, keeping his emotions in check. It was in the middle of the night and the Brotherhood was taking a night of due to that sad Fade ceremony they all witnessed earlier. Their king thought that they all needed time to collect their thoughts and that was so true in Blay's case now. He was in no condition at all to fight the lessers. He barely had the strength in him to take this discussion with Saxton. Saxton's voice was like a whisper when he started speaking again, and Blay needed to concentrate and really listen because of the low tune that Saxton was speaking in.

"What do you want from me, Blaylock? I'm trying to be patient here. I really am. But you are not making it easy right now. I don't know what to say to you. I know how you feel about him and I see how he feels about you. The love between you to is so clear to all of us around you. And I see what that love is doing to you. I want to be with you in any way I can. I have told you this before and I will tell you this again. I understand and I know what I'm in. I know that you love him and I can live with that. I'll have you as long as I can get you. You know this."

"There isn't any love from his side. You can't see something that isn't there, so don't tell me that he loves me when he has made it very clear how he feels. And besides, that is not important. Not anymore. What I want to talk about is us. I know that you didn't care about me and my pining earlier in our relationship, but it isn't like that anymore for you is it? Your feelings have changed and things are not as simple anymore as they once were" Blay questioned and Saxton straightened, while turning around and facing him. Love shone out of those eyes and Blay hated himself for letting things develop the way they have between them. He should have ended this relationship a long time ago, but he was selfish.

"Blay, don't go there. Please. Just let it go"

"I can't let it go. Don't you see? I have done to you the same thing he has done to me over and over. I see how you look at me nowadays. I see the longing in your eyes and I know that I can't give you what you want from me." Blay sucked in a breath of air and tried to collect himself. "I know firsthand how bad it hurts. That feeling you have inside. I hate myself for treating you this way and I can't let that go on. I just can't Sax. You deserve so much more than this."

"Don't do this." Saxton begged but Blaylock has made up his mind. If they were ever going to find some peace of mind, they needed to end this thing between them and go on with their lives separately. He needed new beginning and Saxton, Qhuinn, the Brotherhood couldn't be part of his life. Not anymore.

"I have to. I can't do this anymore. We have to stop. I need to start anew and so do you. We need to end this between us." Blaylock tried to explain but knew that any explanation he gave Saxton wouldn't be enough. "I am so great full to you. You have been there for me, and you have picked up the pieces of me that he has left shattered everywhere. I don't know what I would have done without you and I am so sorry for taking advantage of you for as long as I have. I am so sorry Saxton."

"Don't be. You didn't do anything that I gladly didn't agree to." Saxton once again tried to sooth him with a smile on his face. "I don't want this to end, but I see that you need it to stop. So I will let you go, since it is you wish."

"Thank you" Blay whispered while tears once again came down his cheeks. "I really wish that I could feel differently. I really wish that I could have fallen in love with you." Saxton came forward, sat down beside Blay on the bed and just held him. They held onto each other, saying goodbye and letting go. After several minutes of embracing in the silence, Saxton finally broke the embrace and asked;

"What are you going to do"

"I don't know yet. I just know that I need to do something different with my life. This isn't working anymore. I can't lie to you or myself, pretend that everything is ok when I'm hurting inside the way I am. I need to get away from him. I can't see him with her every day during her pregnancy. Just waiting for them to officially announce their mating. I have to leave the Brotherhood. I have to leave him behind and start a life without this." Blay said as he looked around his room. He really would miss this room and this mansion. He would miss all the brothers, and John Matthew, all the shellans and Fritz. Hell, he would also miss fighting and being a soldier of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. But most of all, he would miss Qhuinn with every fiber in him. They haven't been close in over a year, but just knowing that Qhuinn was near and that he was ok, kept him alive. Leaving Qhuinn behind would result in leaving his heart here forever. He knew this with undeniable certainty. No one will ever take that part of Blay away from Qhuinn. Nobody was ever able to, not even Saxton. But no matter how much he loved Qhuinn Blay knew that his decision in leaving everything behind was his only way of surviving. "I will probably go and live with my parents or one of their houses for a while, and then we will see. I don't know yet."

"Well Blaylock, I think that you are an amazing male. Worthy and I am proud of the fact that I was given a chance to get to know you. I wish you all the best." Saxton shook his head in acceptance and said without any hesitation "Since I have business with the king I can't take my leave from this mansion before that job is done, but before I leave this room tonight I have to do this once again. Just so I'll remember the feeling."

Saxton leaned in, and kissed Blay, every emotion he felt showing in that one simple kiss. "You are so beautiful, and worth so much love. I hope you find true love, wherever you end up"

With those words he got up and left the room, and took all the safety he ever provided to Blay. He was always going to stay as a pleasant memory in Blaylock's mind, but it was time to move on. He took out his cellphone and dialed a number that he hasn't called in over a year. When he hard that husky voice answer he gathered all the power he could and spoke:

"We need to talk"


	2. Chapter 2 Realisation

Qhuinn was having trouble standing on his two feet. His whole body was trembling and he was sure that his knees would give in any time now, he would fall on all four and lose control of himself. He would start weep and moan, call out Blay's name and hope to God that the guy will come to take his pain away. He has decided to win Blay over, be honest with himself and with his one and only love but it wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. Seeing Blay in the doorway, standing in Saxton's arms and looking back at him while all the love he felt shone through those beautiful blue eyes nearly took Qhuinn's breath away. He wasn't sure if the feeling that was showing in Blay's eyes was ment for Saxton and honestly he didn't care. Blay would be his, he would do anything he could to make sure that happened. He would do anything, everything to win him back, to show him how he felt and that he wanted Blay and only Blay. But God, it was so damn hard seeing Blay in Saxton's arms, knowing that he should be there instead. They should be embracing each other tonight, comforting each other after this tragic ceremony they all witnessed. He wanted to push Sax away, but by doing so he would hurt Blay and no...that was not the way he would do this.

On unsteady legs he pushed himself up the main staircase and to his room. His only mission now was to get to his room without falling in the hallway. His chest was hurting and his little heart was bouncing like it wanted to get out. Wanted to go back to Blay, push Saxton out-of-the-way and embrace Blay with all he had to give. He didn't want to scare Blay away, he didn't want to confuse him, hurt him. Time, they all needed time. He needed time to lay out a strategy, Saxton needed time to disappear from Blay's life and Blay needed time to realize that Qhuinn wanted him. No doubt, Blay was going to be confused. How many time hasn't he looked at Qhuinn, his blue eyes begging him to love him back while Qhuinn was out fucking everything coming his way. How many times hasn't Qhuinn taken some random woman, and occasionally man, fucked their brains out while looking at Blay wishing it was him there instead. And how many times hasn't Blay begged him to stop without actually saying the words out loud. He knew how Blay felt and Qhuinn's only mission in life back then was to make the guy see him as the defect and scum he really was. God, he has hurt Blay so badly and how was he going to do this.

When he entered his room, he lighted a lamp with his mind and laid down on the bed. His thoughts were spinning, Blay's beautiful face before his eyes. He wanted that face beneath his, he wanted to feel that body trembling, he wanted to feel the heat, wake the passion he knew Blay had. Wanted to taste that mouth, feel that tongue doing dirty deeds with his cock. And speaking of his private parts, that fucker was hard as diamond. Seeing Blay tonight, seeing his eyes and his love, having that body so close but yet so far away made his cock twitch in his pants. His cock wanted realise and Qhuinn wasn't objecting. He lifted himself up from the bed and made his way into the bathroom. He stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower, feeling hot water running down his body. He closed his eyes and imagined what it would feel like to have Blay there with him. The real Blay and not just this imaginary one that was always with him. He took his cock into his hands and started stroking himself, and with every stroke he squeezed harder, his breathing becoming faster and heavier while Blay's face was etched before his eyes.

"O God..." he moaned quelty..."Blay...fuck..."

His orgasm was near, he could feel it. He started pumping himself faster and faster, moaning louder and breathing harder. And than there it was, he orgasmed all over the shower wall while screaming Blay's name out loud, not even worrying if anyone would hear him. When he was done and his cock went slack in his arms, he realised it as his breathing came down to normal speed. He couldn't stop smiling to himself. Thinking of Blay always led to this.

After showering he made his way out of the bathroom, took on some boxers and threw himself on the bed as a mess of body parts. He found his cellphone on his bed table and started it. When the lights were on, he called Layla who nowadays had her residence in the room next to Qhuinn's. She was fine, resting and eating cucumber with mayoneze. Uch... but that's pregnant female for you, eating discussing stuff and hormones all over. He trew the phone on the pillow beside him and just closed his eyes. Immediately he saw Blay's beautiful face and the feeling of emptiness returned to him. He remembered their balcony parting a year ago and no mater how hard he tried he couldn't forget Blay's broken face. The hurt and pain that was showing in Blay's face that night, was still lingering in his best friend, still showing in his face when he thought that nobody was looking. What has he done, Qhuinn thought to himself. Blay should be here with him, and not in his room with Saxton. Saxton shouldn't even be in the picture. How could he have let things to get so fucking out of hand? "You are an idiot" his inner voice told him and he could not disagree. But no more, even if it was the last thing he did in this life he would show Blay how he really felt. That his love for Qhuinn was never unanswered, and on contrary. Qhuinn has always loved the guy very, very much and it was about time to show Blay the truth.

And as Qhuinn was lying there, thinking and making up a strategy on how to go about he felt the vibrations from his phone. He looked at the screen and saw who it was. Blay. He hasn't talked to Blay in what seemed forever. Before the call died out, he answered with unsteady voice and shaking hands:

"Blay"...

"We need to talk" he heard a husky voice at the other end of the line. He felt fear go through him and the feeling that something was very wrong found his way into his gut. Please, please be ok...

"I am in my room. Blay, is everything ok? Are you hurt?"

"I am not hurt but I need to talk to you. I'll be there in a few." And with those words Blay ended the call. A chill went trough Qhuinn's spine and he had a feeling that whatever Blay needed to speak to him about, he wasn't going to like it. A took a couple of deep breaths and went up to his closet to find something to put on.


	3. Chapter 3 Convincing himself

Blaylock hung up the phone. He laid there in his own bed, the dark of the room surrounding him. He had set things in motion. This night has already been one hell of a ride and it was not done yet. He knew he had to talk to Qhuinn personally. He has made up his mind to leave this place and as hard as it was to actually go through with the plan, he knew he had to. After talking to Qhuinn he was going to the king and tell him that he was leaving. Somewhere inside his head, he knew that he should talk to everybody else first, arrange everything first, before going to Qhuinn but he couldn't. He couldn't because he knew that deep inside he still hoped that Qhuinn was going to stop him from leaving. His logical mind knew that was never ever going to happen since the guy probably would feel relief when Blay tells him about his plan, but he was an idiot. Always has been an idiot when it came to Qhuinn.

Him leaving the mansion was the only way to move on. There was no other way, no other solution that didn't involve him watching on the sideline while Qhuinn lived happily ever after with his mate. With Layla. No, no way in hell was he going to do that. No. He loved Qhuinn, he couldn't deny that from himself, not that he ever could deny that. Everyone around him, including Qhuinn knew since it was always be showing in his face. The love he felt for the guy is always reflected in his eyes and he was so damn, fucking tired of it. Always looking, never touching, always wishing and never getting.

Just hearing Qhuinn's voice coming through the phone made Blay shake even harder than he already was. Qhuinn sounded like he always sounded, his voice husky and dark and Blay felt his lips form a smile. Just thinking about that voice, imagining how it sounded in passionate moments in the dark, made him twitch and he felt his cock harden. His imagination went further, he imagined his own hands on Qhuinn's body, just touching all over. Those beautiful abs, arms, chest, thighs, cock...Blay closed his eyes and his hand found his own cock. Immediately he started to stroke himself, his imagination going further. He thought about how it would feel to have those arms wrapped around him, those hands stroking his cock, those lips kissing him, that body hovering over him. He took a deep breath. His strokes increased in speed, his breathing became rigid and fast. He arched his back, closed his eyes even more, while his orgasm ripped through him.

"Fuck...Qhuinn..." he whispered while orgasming. God, it felt good. It was always like this when he thought about Qhuinn and it will probably always be like this. He, by himself with his thoughts and Qhuinn always out of reach. He realised his cock and took few deep breaths.

"Blaylock, you idiot...why are you doing this to yourself? It is pointless, you know that." he told himself and tried not to let the tears come. He had no time for crying, he could do that once he was out of here. Right now he had to gather all the straight he had, could gather, because what he was about to do was going to be the hardest thing he ever had to do. He was going to say goodbye to Qhuinn. Qhuinn has already said goodbye to him in his own way. On the balcony for about 12 months ago, by telling him to "take care" of himself. In Qhuinn world that meant "fuck of". And sure, those words were the reason Blay was staying out of Qhuinn's way, but he has still remained here. Hoping that maybe one day, things would change. Maybe one day, everything will be ok. And like an idiot he was, he was still hoping. But he knew that things will never be different. He would always be on the sideline, and never one and only. He closed his eyes and let sadness find its way to his heart. Once he was out of here, this sadness was going to be all he had left of the guy. This sadness, and emptiness that would come with it. They are going to be his only reminder that Qhuinn really existed. That he wasn't just a fragment of his own imagination. Someone beautiful and special that he has come up with in his own mind. That those beautiful mismatched eyes were real and that they were looking at somebody else. Like they always did. One single tear escaped and dropped on his cheek.

"God, will I be able to do this?" he whispered to the dark room. In his mind he knew he had to so he took one deep breath and got up from the bed. On unstable legs he found his way to the bathroom to clean up. Qhuinn was waiting for him in his room, probably wondering why Blay all of a sudden needed to talk to him. Especially since they haven't called each other during these last 12 months, at all. And the talk wasn't going to be easy, but Qhuinn would probably see it as a good solution. Blay would be out-of-the-way and he was going to be free to mate Layla without worrying about Blay's feelings. Not that he ever did care about his feelings, but still. It would be a huge relief for the guy. He went to his closet, grabbed a pair of boxers, dark blue jeans, t-shirt, socks and shoes and started getting dressed. It felt like thousands and thousands of butterfly's were passing through his gut and his hands were sweating.

"Oh come on, Blaylock, you stupid fuck...it's just Qhuinn for Gods sake", he told himself quietly. And sure, it was just Qhuinn. But it was not his Qhuinn. Not that casual, easy guy he knew. And he wasn't the same Blaylock that Qhuinn knew. They were different. Way to different. It felt like ages and ages ago that they were best friends. It was so long ago that it made Blaylock question if he had made everything up. Maybe they were never so close friends at all, maybe it was all just him and his stupid imagination. His wish of it being more that it really was. Because if they were that close friends, Qhuinn couldn't just throw him aside like he did that day on the balcony without ever looking back or showing any kind of regret. Right? Well, there is no point in dwelling on that right now.

Blaylock shook his head, and headed for the door. If he didn't do this now, he would never. And no matter what Qhuinn had done, he felt like couldn't leave this place without saying goodbye to the guy. He just couldn't. He was masochistic in that way, but hey...he had his whole life in front of him to be alone, to ache, and regret, and think, and cry.

He opened the door and headed down the hallway, to have the most difficult talk of his life.  
_

Qhuinn stood in the middle of his closet, almost forgetting what he was about to do. Why was he standing here? Ahh... yes...he was about put on some clothes since Blay is coming to talk to him. So, he found some shorts and a t-shirt, didn't bother with socks and went back to his bed. Laying there, just thinking made him nervous and that vas stupid. This was Blay. Talking to Blay shouldn't feel like this. They were best friends. Well, they have been best friends in the world, before he fucked everything up. Now it felt more like they were strangers, just looking at each other from each side of an empty room. Wondering what did happen, why they were so far away from each other and why they couldn't find their way back.

Far back in his mind Qhuinn knew the answers. Once they were best friends but the love they felt for each other has separated them. And it was all his fault. Blay was everything Qhuinn ever wanted and ever dreamed of. And he loved Qhuinn, but Qhuinn was one confused motherfucker who did not have enough courage in him to embrace the feelings he had. He knew now, with unconditional certainty, that he should have embraced those feelings, thanked the Scribe Virgin for them and been proud of the fact that this perfect male wanted him and only him. But as always, he was an idiot and threw it all away. Blaylock deserved explanation from him. Hell, he deserved so much more from him than that. Qhuinn was aware of what he has done, how much heartbreak he has caused the guy and honestly he would understand if Blay never ever spoke to him again.

Qhuinn closed his eyes, images if the past coming back to him. Blay, his family, his old life. His life has been a hell of a ride so far. His family never wanted a defect like him and they made sure as hell that he knew that. They have always denied him everything, even the simplest things like love and affection that parents naturally show their kids. His never did. His mismatched eyes aren't normal, they told him, not accepted. He wasn't normal and therefore he would never be accepted in their world, glymerra world. And even though he hates myself for that now he needed that acceptance. He needed to be a part of that world so fucking bad and he knew that the love that he had for Blay and Blay for him would never grant him a ticket there. So he lived in denial and cut Blay of. The love of his life, the one and only person that he ever loved, and ever will love. He told himself that he wanted a female in his life, a shellan and a young, and that would help his into glymerra. And then finally, he would be accepted. He would finally be happy. But it was all based on a lie and on a child's dream. When he lost Blay that day on the balcony he realized that he lost everything. His soul, his body, his heart, his life.

What has he done? He has hurt Blay so much and for what. Glymerra? Those stupid idiots. His family? Those bastards that wanted him dead. No, there was more to his actions than that. During his childhood Blay was the only light he had. He has always been there for Qhuinn. Never questioning, never treating him differently, never feeling sorry for him and always making him feel like the most important person in the world. For Qhuinn Blay was, and still is, the greatest perfection, everything good and pure. He deserved so much more than Qhuinn. No way was he ruining the guy. Not only would Blay get him as a mate, a defect and reject, but he would be rejected from glymerra also and how could Qhuinn live with himself if he did that to Blay. So he did everything in his power to make Blay hate him. To make him stop looking at Qhuinn with love and affection that was always reflected in his sapphire blue eyes when they looked at him. He dreaded the day he crossed that line, but kept going. If Blay hated him, then he would move on and find somebody that was worthy of him. Not that anybody would ever be worthy of Blay, but still, somebody much better than Qhuinn. So he lied. He told Blay he did not return his feelings and to rub it in his face even more he slept around. Anybody would do as long as Blay were there to see him. He saw that heartbroken face and it killed him every time but he thought that he was doing him a favor. Blay needed to hate him, to move on. And eventually he crossed that line and his wish came true. Blay hardly ever looks at him anymore and he has a male of worth by his side now. Qhuinn may think whatever of him, he may want to rip Saxton apart and throw away the pieces, but he is a male of worth. And he can grant Blay what Qhuinn never will be able to. Acceptance.

Qhuinn felt pain consume him. He has done so, so wrong by Blay, and honestly he wouldn't be surprised if the guy told him tonight that he never, ever wants anything to do with him again. That Qhuinn should never look at him again the way he did tonight. That was probably why Blay wanted to talk to him now. He prepared himself for that, as best he could. He knew now that he has been so wrong, in so many ways. His actions have been so stupid. Blay was strong and smart. He has always known what he wants, and has never seen any reason to deny himself what he wanted. And once he did want Qhuinn, and only Qhuinn. Now, he wasn't so sure. Qhuinn started panicking, and for the first time in ages, he prayed to the Scribe Virgin. Prayed that Blay's love hasn't faded, that his actions haven't killed every single emotion the guy ever felt for him and that he was going to be able to bring it back. To make Blay his.

And as he prayed, laying in his bedroom, small light from the lamp enlightening the room some what, he heard a quite knock on the door. Blay...it was Blay. He made himself go up from the bed to open the door. He was shaking and trembling but he was standing strong. Opening the door he saw two beautiful, blue eyes looking at him with sadness reflecting in them. Qhuinn let his love, his former best friend, inside and braced himself for whatever Blay had to say.


	4. Chapter 4 Am I really going to do this

As Blay was standing outside Qhuinn's door he was battling one last struggle with himself. There was still time to change his mind, to go back to his room and just go on with his life here. Here, where Qhuinn was near and Blay could watch over him and his young. No mater what he thought about Layla and her relationship with Qhuinn, Blay knew that he would love that young. That young would be part of Qhuinn and Blay would do anything to protect him or her. As if they where his own flesh and blood. Maybe he should stay here, even if he would be left on the sideline. How will he go trough life knowing that he will never see those mismatched eyes again? Never hear that voice again or that laugh.

Blay knew he needed to collect himself before he knocked that door. Qhuinn was waiting for him, wondering what they were going to talk about. He leaned on the wall beside the door, his back hitting the wall behind him, his eyes closing. Qhuinn was the one person Blay never thought he would say goodbye to. He thought that they would always be friends, always have each-others back. And up until now he had a glimmer of hope that they would find their way back to their friendship. But life is a bitch and fate is a cruel motherfucker. Blay has always imagined that he and Qhuinn are inseparable, best friends for life. He always cared for Qhuinn, even beside this love he felt for him. He was his best friend, someone he could trust in no mater what. But it must have been just him. When he looked back and thought about everything, from the beginning of their friendship up until know, right this moment, he doubted that he ever meant anything to Qhuinn. That day on the balcony, when Qhuinn broke everything of with him, it felt like it was so easy for Qhuinn to throw him aside. Those words spoken between them are embedded in his head, and countless times have they been replied in his mind. And bottom line was that Qhuinn has already said his goodbye. Blay was just sealing the deal and making it final.

So, no. No going back now. Staying here would mean looking from the sideline while Qhuinn and Layla got they happily ever after. Just thinking about that and what that would mean tore him apart. Always seeing Qhuinn with his shellan, affection and love every time they were together, Qhuinn's bonding scent reeking out of him every time she was near. He thought he sensed that scent once, but once again it must have been just his vivid imagination because it never, ever happened again and Qhuinn barley wanted to speak to him nowadays. As long as Qhuinn was near Blay couldn't move on because just one look at that male and his heart was racing. He would never be truly happy with anybody else as long as he had to see Qhuinn. Qhuinn would be happy with somebody else, and Blay would be stuck in time. Just never going forward. No...no...no...no going back. He needed to leave, and leave as soon as possible. He took few deep breaths, shook his arms a bit, cracked his head from side to side and knocked on the door. Those few seconds that it took before Qhuinn opened the door felt like hours but finally Qhuinn did open the door and just looked at him, locking those beautiful mismatched eyes with his blue once. Those eyes would hount him in his dreams, they would always be with him. Of this Blay was sure, but hopefully not sing them every they would help him to move on. God, he would miss Qhuinn. Really, fucking miss him. It will hurt like bitch to leave him behind but it was necessary.

After couple of moments Qhuinn moved out-of-the-way and signed for Blay to come in to the room. Blay walked inside, his back towards Qhuinn. He didn't dare to turn around and look at the male, not just yet. So, instead of turning around he just stood there in the middle of the room and looked around. Everything about this room was Qhuinn. That messed up bed, clothes everywhere, bathroom door open. Blay smiled. He glanced at the bed once again and his thoughts drifted to Layla. Qhuinn and she must use this bed a lot. They were soon to be mated couple and surly they must put this bed to good use. Blay closed his eyes, suddenly feeling ill. "Stop it Blaylock" he thought to himself. Those thoughts aren't helping, not now, not ever. He shook his head a bit and realized that he needed to say something, anything, but he didn't know what to say. And judging by his silence, neither did Qhuinn.

Blay took few deep breaths and finally said:

"This room looks the same. I haven't been in here in over a year, but it still looks the same."

"Yeah, you know me" Qhuinn answered in quite voice "Always just same old Qhuinn"

"Yeah, but you are different. Or you seem different. Different Qhuinn than the one I was used to know. More mature one and I like it. It suits you well" Blay said while he took couple of steps towards the window. Dawn was coming soon. Shatters will soon be dawn. Blay exhaled and realized that he wasn't even aware of the fact that he was holding his breath.

"Thank you..." he heard Qhuinn murmur. Blay knew he needed to stop going around the subject and just come to the point. So, he took one deep breath and said: "I'm sorry to bother you. You probably have things to do, but I needed to talk to you. I don't know how to tell you this...

"You aren't bothering me. Blay, what is going on? You are scaring me. Are you alright?" Qhuinn asked and Blay smiled before answering: "Yes, I am fine. It is nothing like that. Don't worry. I have just made a decision tonight, after the Fade Ceremony and I needed to tell you about it. I don't know why, but I just needed to tell you first before I told anybody else."

"Come on Blay" Qhuinn was getting irritated. "What is it? Tell me..."

Blay turned around and looked Qhuinn straight in the eyes before speaking the words out loud:

"I broke up with Saxton tonight. And I have decided to leave the mansion and the Brotherhood. As soon as possible. I haven't talked to the King yet, but I wanted to tell you first. So you hear it from me, and nobody else."

Qhuinn's eyes nearly popped out, his face getting red and his hands shaking. His voice was shaky but still clear as a day: "What did you say?

"I am leaving this place. Tonight's fade ceremony made me think. I need to get away from here, start anew somewhere else. So I decided to leave."

Qhuinn took one step towards Blay, one insecure step as if he was unsure if he would be thrown aside if he got to close. But after that one step he took another, and another and soon he was mere inches from Blay. Qhuinn put one had on each side of the window frame that was behind Blay, capturing Blay in intimate position before speaking once again:

"Why are you leaving? And don't even bother coming with excuses and lies. I know why you feel like you need to leave, I just want you to say the words to my face."

Blay smiled an ironic smile. This Qhuinn he recognized. And as he looked straight into those mismatched eyes, he got serious: "If you want me to be honest then you have to be able to handle the truth. The reason I'm leaving this place Qhuinn, is you."


	5. Chapter 5 Truth

Qhuinn closed the door behind him and by doing so he closed them inside his room. Alone, for the first time since their balcony parting. That horrible parting that was one of Qhuinn's biggest mistakes in life so far. Hell, he had done so many mistakes and every one of his mistakes included treating Blay like crap. But right now they were alone, Blay was here. How many times hasn't he dreamed about being alone with Blay like this. In his dreams they were always lovers, they were always mates. There he was free to do whatever he wanted to Blay. If he wanted to kiss him he was free to do so. If he wanted so much more than a kiss, Blay wouldn't stop him. In his dreams there were no insecurities between them, no empty hearts, no words unspoken, feelings held back or anything like that. In his dreams they were one. But in reality they were so far apart.

Qhuinn he didn't dare to think that way about Blay because the he would lose control. It took every ounce of control he had in him right now not to jump Blay. Blay was standing in the middle of Qhuinn's room, his back towards Qhuinn and wasn't that a sight. Qhuinn had a hard time just breathing. Blay's shoulders were massive, his back broad and his ass...ugh...his ass was everything Qhuinn wanted. Everything he has wanted for a so long now. Just thinking about it made him hard. And now that beautiful male stood mere inches away from him and he wasn't allowed to touch. Wasn't this the worst fucking torture ever? Qhuinn closed his eyes and deprived himself of the most beautiful sight in the world. He took couple of deep breaths, tried to collect his thoughts. Blay came here to talk to him. Qhuinn had to keep in mind that they were not lovers, not mates. Not yet anyway, so he had to contain himself. Just a little while longer. Opening his eyes, Qhuinn was determined to say something, anything, but his eyes got a glimpse of Blay's beautiful red hair and once again he was lost in his own desire. To lost to even comprehend one word.

"This room looks the same. I haven't been in here in over a year, but it still looks the same."

Qhuinn lost himself in the beautiful tone of Blay's voice, just fucking lost himself, but he needed to reply: "Yeah, you know me" Qhuinn answered in quite voice "Always just same old Qhuinn"

"Yeah, but you are different. Or you seem different. Different Qhuinn than the one I was used to know. More mature one and I like it. It suits you well"

Blay took few of steps forward and gazed through the window instead. Hearing Blay say those words made Qhuinn tremble. Qhuinn felt warmth inside spreading and he just wanted to run to the window, take Blay into his arms, mumble sweet words in his ear and just never let go. Instead he just murmured: "Thank you..."

Looking at Blay he saw nervousness. Whatever he wanted to tell him was serious and Qhuinn didn't like it. A feeling found his was into his heart, making him panic. He was loosing Blay, of this he was certain.

"I'm sorry to bother you. You probably have things to do, but I needed to talk to you. I don't know how to tell you this..."

"You aren't bothering me. Blay, what is going on? You are scaring me. Are you alright?"

"Yes, I am fine. It is nothing like that. Don't worry. I have just made a decision tonight, after the Fade Ceremony and I needed to tell you about it. I don't know why, but I just needed to tell you first before I told anybody else."

Blay was stalking, going around the subject.

"Come on Blay" Qhuinn said in voice that was too harsh but he couldn't stop himself. He was getting really scared now. "What is it? Tell me..."

"I broke up with Saxton tonight. And I have decided to leave the mansion and the Brotherhood. As soon as possible. I haven't talked to the King yet, but I wanted to tell you first. So you hear it from me, and nobody else."

Qhuinn felt his heart stop beating for a few moments, anger taking over everything inside. Anger towards himself and not Blay. Never Blay. This was his fault, and his fault alone. He needed to hear the words again: "What did you say?"

"I am leaving this place. Tonight's Fade Ceremony made me think. I need to get away from here, start anew somewhere else. So I decided to leave."

Qhuinn knew that Blay was leaving because of him, because of everything he has done. All of his own, stupid actions have led them here to this moment. To this goodbye. Well no, no way was Qhuinn going to allow the love of his life leave just like that. Not without first telling him everything, showing him everything. He deserved to know and Qhuinn prayed to Scribe Virgin that he would be given a chance to prove himself. He just needed one last chance.

As it turns out Qhuinn has run out of time and right now was all he had. So he took one step forward, aiming to go all the way. When Blay didn't move or tell him to stop he took another step and then another until he was mere inches away from Blay. He put his hands on either side of Blay's head and this close he could smell his scent. That musky scent of a full-grown male. He looked at Blay's lips and cursed to himself. Those lips were so soft, so kissable. He wanted to taste them, just once at least, but not now. He could wait. He needed to talk Blay out of leaving first. This was the love of his life; a love that he has stamped on so many times:

"Why are you leaving? And don't even bother coming with excuses and lies. I know why you feel like you need to leave, I just want you to say the words to my face."

Qhuinn looked at Blay's blue eyes with his defected, mismatched once waiting for an answer:

"If you want me to be honest then you have to be able to handle the truth. The reason I'm leaving this place Qhuinn, is you."

Blay took once deep breath, as if he was trying to find the words to continue. But finally he said:

"I have grown costumed to being one step behind you, with you in charge leading the way of our relationship. You were always one step ahead of me, within my reach but yet to far away."

Qhuinn listened to every word. This was their most sincere talk every. It is crucial to not hide anything right now. The line they were walking on was so thin and is going to break if they weren't careful.

"Blay..."

"Don't. I need to tell you this and then you won't have to hear it ever again. You won't have to see me ever again... You have always been the one for me and I have long time ago accepted the fact that you were never going to be mine." Blay paused and put his hands on Qhuinn's chest, slightly pushing him aside. He sat down on the bed, frowning, and looking around the room. Like he really didn't want to sit there at all and just looked for somewhere else to sit instead. Qhuinn didn't understand it but he had no time dwelling over it now. He needed to hear more, hear everything Blay had to say. He turned around, looked at Blay and begged: "Tell me more...Please."

Blay smiled, looking at the floor but it wasn't a happy smile. It was a sad and bitter smile, not that unique smile that was Blay's alone.

"Remember that day on the balcony. That day you broke me. I am not telling this to hurt you in any way but you need to know. You left me shattered everywhere. I was heartbroken. It felt like it was so easy for you to throw me aside and everything we ever were to each other aside." Blay's stare found Qhuinn's who was standing by the window paralyzed. "Saxton helped me. No matter what you think of him, he was the one that picked up the pieces and put them back together. But mine and his relationship wasn't love. Could never be love. He has always been aware of how I feel and who I feel it for. And that is the main reason I broke everything of with him tonight." Blay paused for few seconds before continuing. "You know how I feel about you Qhuinn. Hell, everybody knows how I feel about you."

"Blay. You were everything to me. My dearest friend, perfect in every way. You were, are, the light of my life" Qhuinn stammered.

Blay smiled at him, a sincere smile without sadness or bitterness. "It makes me happy to know that being my friend meant that much to you because, honestly, lately I have doubted that I have ever meant anything to you. That day on the balcony it felt like it was so easy for you to just throw me aside."

"That was the hardest thing I ever did Blay. It broke me to."

"You know what? I can't remember the first time I realized that I loved you. God knows how many times I have thought about it, trying to figure out when it all started to change, when you became more than a friend to me. But I don't know what, when or where it happened, what triggered these feelings. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that it wasn't one moment kind of thing. My feelings for you have grown in course of years passing and I wasn't able to stop them. And now, as a grown male, I feel like I have always loved you, always craved for you and always wished that you would be mine." Blay looked down again and Qhuinn felt the need to comfort him. He loved this male so fucking much and this pain that Blay was feeling was his doing. He knelt in front of Blay, took his hands into his own:

"I need you to know one thing Blay. I know that you won't believe me, but it's the truth. You are all I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. It has always been you, these feelings I have for you burn through me, they consume me and all I want to do sometimes is just run to you, take you in my arms and never let go."

Blay's sad eyes were looking at him: "Don't. Don't say things that you don't mean. You are just scared of loosing me. Not that I understand why since you are the one that broke everything of with me in the first place. You said goodbye and I am just sealing the deal."

"Blay, believe it or not, I never wanted to hurt you. I thought that i was doing you a favor. Saying those words that day was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You have no idea how many times that scene has replayed in my head since then. I did let my insecurities get the best of me. I held so much back from you and I am so sorry. I will never fail you again."

After those words Blay avoided eye contact, shifting his head to the side. His body was stiff; Qhuinn could feel it. This was difficult for them both, but there was no going back. Without looking at Qhuinn, Blay spoke in very, very unsteady and cracked voice:

"You don't want me, not that you ever did want me. So just stop telling me what you think I want to hear. Be a male and be honest" Blay shook his head "You and Layla and the young. I can't be here when you mate her. I know that she is the shellan you always wanted and you will soon have a young. I am so, so very happy for you. Truly, I am. You deserve to be happy, to have a shellan and a young that you always wanted. You are finally going to show Glymerra that you are as good as them. That you are so much better then them. You were always so much better then those idiots. True male of worth. But I know how much that means to you."

Blay chuckled and his eyes got teary, but not one single tear fell. He finally looked at Qhuinn, every emotion showing in his face, God, this was killing him, killing them both. "Try to understand. As much as I would love to be by you side at your mating ceremony, I can't. I can't watch you becoming her hellren, being her hellren. I would always be on the sideline, just a spectator looking in. I have to leave."

Blay pushed himself of the bed and nearly run towards the door. When he had his hand on the door handle he looked back at Qhuinn, smile on his face: "I wish you all the best in the world. Be happy with your shellan and your young. I will miss you."

With those words he opened the door and Qhuinn knew that his moments with Blay were counted so he raced to the door, slammed it. His body was so close to Blay's, he could feel his ass and his back. Blay was shaking. Qhuinn put his hands at each side of Blay, capturing him once again. He closed his eyes and just allowed himself to feel Blay's body so near: "Please, let me go." He heard Blay beg.

"No, never." Qhuinn contradicted, his bonding scent seeping out of him, filling the room with the smell of dark spices. Unique scent that is meant for Blay and Blay alone. Blay knew what the scent meant because he took one deep breath and started to tremble all over his body. Qhuinn leaned forward, the tip of his nose slightly brushing his cheek, wispering into his ears: "I am never letting you go. Do you hear me? Never."


	6. Chapter 6 Here and now

Why was Qhuinn acting this way? Blay didn't expect this reaction from the guy at all. He did expect relief and yet another rejection in a way but not this. This demanding possessiveness and passion. Why was Qhuinn telling Blay all these things all of a sudden? Where is this coming from? Blay didn't understand it at all. It confused the hell out of him and he didn't know what to do or say. But then his thoughts went to Layla and the young. Has Qhuinn forgotten all about the fact that he is going to mate Layla? They were having a young together. And as his thoughts were passing through his mind he felt irritation taking a hold in his gut. Haven't they been better friends than this? Didn't Blay deserve the truth from Qhuinn and an honest goodbye? Did Qhuinn really think that little of him?

Even though Qhuinn was now saying everything Blay ever dreamed of hearing him say, words were not true. They were lies, just beautiful lies created by Qhuinn's fear and this intense situation they were in. But Blay was not that big of an idiot. Sure when it came to Qhuinn he hoped for everything and believed on almost anything, but this was just pissing him of.

"You don't want me now, not that you ever did want me. So just stop telling me what you think I want to hear. Be a male and be honest" Blay shook his head, his voice dying out. He felt like he was choking. He really didn't want to say the next part but he must since Qhuinn seemed to have forgotten about it. "You and Layla and the young. I can't be here when you mate her. I know that she is the shellan you always wanted and you will soon have a young together. I am so, so very happy for you. Truly, I am. You deserve to be happy. You are finally going to show Glymerra that you are as good as them. That you are so much better then them. You were always so much better then those idiots. True male of worth. But I know how much that means to you."

Blay felt his eyes water, his heart beating faster, his mouth getting dry. He had to finish this conversation, fast:

"Try to understand. As much as I would love to be by you side at your mating ceremony, I can't. I can't watch you becoming her hellren, being her hellren. I would always be on the sideline, just a spectator looking in. I have to leave."

With those words being said Blay got up from the bed. Qhuinn still had a hold on his hands and he was still kneeling in front of him but Blay couldn't take it anymore. He headed for the door, leaving Qhuinn behind. He just needed to get out of this room. Before he opened the door and left this room, he felt the need to take just one last look at Qhuinn so he turned his head slightly, almost fearing the sight he would find but as his head turned his eyes found Qhuinn's unique once. They were at the road end, their friendship was at a crossing and now their ways were parting.

"I wish you all the best in the world. Be happy with your shellan and your young. I will miss you." he heard himself say and every word was true. He really did wish everything best for Qhuinn. Qhuinn deserved to be happy. Blay would miss him like crazy. He couldn't imagine living life without those mismatched eyes. He felt like he was breaking apart and he needed to go. He opened the door, aiming to get out but before he even had time to take one small step forward, the dorr got slammed shut. Closing them inside this room again. Qhuinn was behind him and once again he was captured.

"Please, let me go" he heard himself beg and right now that was all the straight he had left. He couldn't fight, couldn't move. Blay's knees were giving up and soon he would fall over.

"No, never." Qhuinn said in very determent voice. God, that voice. Blay has imagined so many times how that voice sounded in situations like these. Determent, demanding, possessive and masculine. What was happening? Was he dreaming? Did he fall asleep in the bed and forgot about the fact that he was supposed to talk to Qhuinn? That must be it, right? Because no way in hell was Qhuinn behaving like this with him. Come on, the guy has rejected him over and over again. He didn't care about Blay, not that he ever did. This must be a dream because in reality Qhuinn would be happy to be left alone. This Qhuinn right now must be just a figment of his imagination, part of his dream or something. But if this was a dream then why wasn't he waking up? Heat, that was bouncing of Qhuinn's body, was paralyzing him and the feeling of that sexy body so close to his was telling Blay that this was no dream at all. Blay was in Qhuinn's room and Qhuinn was being possessive and acting strange. Suddenly the most intoxicating scent filled the room. Scent of dark spices came from far away and got stronger and stronger with each second passing. The scent took over everything, getting everywhere. Dear Scribe Virgin, this was Qhuinn's bonding scent. Blay recognized the scent immediately. Once, long ago, he thought that he had triggered that scent. That time Qhuinn came to him, kissed him like it was the last thing he would ever do and that scent was bouncing of him then to. But before Blay knew it, Qhuinn was gone and he never, ever sensed that scent again. So Blay deluded himself into believing that he had made everything up. That is was just wishful thinking on his part. But here they were standing now and that same scent was everywhere. That unique scent, meant for just one person. Blay took one deep breath, letting that scent getting in every single nerve of his lungs. "I am never letting you go. Do you hear me? Never"

Blay felt like he was falling down from a distant star, from a distant place and landing here. In this moment, in this room. Sensing that scent made him forget about everything for a moment. Nothing else mattered. Not his fear of rejection, not his hurting after every letdown, not Layla and the young or anything else at all. Blay was lost in the sensation of being the object to Qhuinn's bonding and Qhuinn was a bonded male, driven by something stronger than both of them. The love he felt for Qhuinn, the love they seemed to share compelled him and he felt like he was caught. Caught between two different worlds. One world, that is familiar and in witch he has always been rejected by Qhuinn and never one and only and this world where he is wanted by Qhuinn. Where, he was the object of Qhuinn's desire. Everything seemed so unreal.

"Qhuinn..." Blay whispered.

"Do you know what this scent means? I know you do." Qhuinn said, placing hot kisses behind Blay's ear and down his cheek. Blay closed his eyes, still holding on to the door, not daring to touch or move.

"Mmmmmm...I have wanted you for so long now. You have no idea how many days I have spent in this bed behind us, wishing that you were there with me. Not being able to go to you, be with you, was torture. Is torture. I miss you so much."Qhuinn murmured and Blay was struggling to understand.

"Qhuinn, I don't understand. What...Why now?" Blay asked in very low tune.

"I am an idiot, that is the simple explanation. I have been so confused and so scared. First I deluded myself into believing that I wanted something else in life. Shellan and a young and not a male. So I hid my true feelings and I pushed you away. But no more, I can't do it anymore. I need you" determination was clear in Qhuinn's voice before he continued: "You made a decision tonight, but so did I. Your decision was to leave me, but mine was to win you over. To show you every single emotion I feel and beg you to take me, make me yours and give yourself to me."

Blay was breathing hard, Qhuinn's body pressed even harder against his. He could feel Qhuinn's chest against his back. Qhuinn's hips moved forward, pressing his hard erection against Blay's ass. Qhuinn was moaning, placing hot hisses all over Blay's cheeks, with every kiss coming closer and closer to his lips. "Seeing you in the doorway tonight, in his arms, made me want to scream. I should have been there instead. We should have embraced and comforted each other. I wanted to push him away and it took everything I had in me not to do so."

Blay sighed and slightly turned his head, his lips coming mere inches away from Qhuinn's. He wanted to a taste. Only once at least. It was so long ago that he has felt hose lips on his, felt that body tremble, those hands touching him.

"I made a decision tonight, to show you everything. To show you my love. And I love you so much. I only want you" Qhuinn said looking straight into his eyes before closing the distance between their lips. The kiss was everything. The smell of dark spices got inside Blay's mouth and was burning his nose. Qhuinn's tongue started playng with his own. Blay didn't dare to touch, fearing that if he touched Qhuinn would jerk back and reject him again. So his stood still and let Qhuinn lead the way. And oh my, did he. Qhuinn's one hand was holding on to Blay's hips, his other was holding his jaw steady. His lips were demanding and the kiss was becoming desperate and way to passionate. That bonding scent was drawing him in, making him forget about everything but he couldn't forget. As much as he would like to forget about everything and everybody and just lose himself in the moment, he couldn't because this wasn't just about them anymore. Somebody else was involved now and that couldn't be ignored. So Blay slightly draw back his head, breaking the kiss. He heard Qhuinn groan a bit:

"Qhuinn, we need to stop. Layla...I can't to this to her."

"Stop abscessing with Layla" Qhuinn whispered and those words made Blay snap out of it completely. Anger and irritation was taking over instead. Bonding scent or no bonding scent, this was wrong. Layla deserved better, and honestly, so did Blay. So he pushed himself away from the door and Qhuinn and sat down back again on the edge of the bed, his frontside facing Qhuinn. Qhuinn was still standing by the door but he has turned around and was now looking straight at Blay.

"How can you say that? How can you be so cruel to her, and to me?"

"I am not cruel, to you or her. I love you and only you. I want you so fucking bad, it almost hurts just looking at you. I know I owe you a huge explanation and if you give me a chance I will explain everything"

Blay was looking at Qhuinn, just needing to hear whatever he had to say: "Tell me" Blay said "Make me understand"

Qhuinn closed his eyes for a second and than opened them again, locking them with Blay's. Than he took one step forward aiming for the bed. He sat down next to Blay, taking Blay's hand and intertwining their fingers. Looking down at their joined hands, he started explaining in very quite voice:

"There has never been any passion or love between me and Layla. We are just friends and have always been friends. I love her only as a friend and a sister, but never more than that. For a long time now she has known how I feel about you. After you and me parted that day on the balcony I was destroyed. You were all I wanted but you seemed happy with Saxton. But to me, nobody could measure up to you, not even her. So I stopped my way of living. I stopped having sex completely and just concentrated on myself. If I couldn't have you then I thought I would give myself some time. And Layla was a friend through all of this but both of us were lonely. When her needing came we decided to create something that was ours. Someone that nobody would take away from us. We have never, ever, had any plans on mating each other. We are not sole mates, and as you can see it is not her I am bonded to. It is you, it has always been you."

Qhuinn paused for a second then lifted his eyes up, looked straight into Blay's:

"I always thought that I wanted a shellan, but when I finally had one within my reach I realized that being your mate was all that ever wanted. And at the same time, I didn't want to destroy you. I am a defect and with me you will never be accepted. How could I live with myself knowing that Glymerra outcast-ed you because of me? Saxton could have given you everything I know I never will be able to. He is accepted and being with him would mean that you too would have been accepted. And even if it killed me watching you with him, I didn't want to destroy everything for you. So I hid my feelings and did everything wrong"

"Qhuinn, you are not a defect. You never were a defect. You are unique and beautiful. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for just one moment. And you would understand why I only ever wanted you. So beautiful"

Qhuinn squeezed Blay's hand harder, smile spreading on his face making him look even more breathtaking than he already did:

"I know that I have so much to make up for. I know that it will take time and some serious effort on my part to make you truly trust me again. I have done so wrong, with everything. I know all the times you had to watch me with others, I know what that did to you. I know how many times I rejected you and how that hurt. I know how my decision to make a young with Layla hurts you now and I know that you feel left out. I will do everything possible to redeem myself to you. To be worthy of your love."

Qhuinn brought their joined hands to his mouth and kissed Blay's knuckles his eyes never leaving Blay's:

"I will spend an eternity making up my mistakes to you. I will do anything. But this day I just want to be with you. Just you and me, together in this moment. No Layla, no young, no Brotherhood, no sadness or lonely hearts. Noting else beside you and me. Spend the day with me, Blay. Stay here, be mine and take me as yours"

Blay's breathing increased in speed. Could he do this? Should he do this? What if Qhuinn rejected him again, what would he do then? He closed his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts. His heart and his mind were battling one last battle. Qhuinn's words were like medicine to his broken heart. They were giving him an inner calm and making him feel set. Blay felt like the earth has stopped moving, and the time has stopped passing. Everything stood still:

"Do it, just this once. So we'll both know what it's like. Just you and me, right here, right now." Qhuinn whispered and hearing him say those words made Blay's heart skip a beat. Qhuinn remembered the words spoken between them the first time they kissed, nearly two years ago. Blay felt his lips form a smile and he knew his heart has won the battle. Qhuinn's bonding scent told him everything he needed to know right now. Tomorrow there will be time to dwell, to fight, to ache and to cry. Today, it was just them. Nobody else existed except the two of them, sharing this moment. This moment of love and passion and everything they both held back for so long. Blay opened his eyes, locked them with Qhuinn unique once, his lips still smiling. Qhuinn was trembling, but he still held Blay's hands, his thumb slightly brushing Blay's hand.

"Yes" Blay whispered. And that was all Qhuinn needed to hear.


	7. Chapter 7 - Passion and desirepart 1

**OK guys, so just a warning here. In this chapter there will be some M/M sex scenes. So whoever doesn't like reading that stuff, shouldn't continue reading. **

**I wanted to wait with the upload of this chapter, until the next one is finished also, but I couldn't keep you waiting. So here is part 1.**

**And one thing, I am not an expert on writing M/M sex. So, just...have understanding for that.**

**Enjoy!**

Love is a rare thing and something to be cherished, not neglected.. When it hits you, it hits you hard and everything in your life comes to circle around it. Every decision you make, every breath you take, every hour and minute, everything around you becomes ruled by that love and that special person. Qhuinn has always been aware of the fact that for him Blay has always been that person. He loved Blay so fucking much and protecting him from all harm, himself included, has long ago become his main mission in life. But when it came to being romantic he was lost. He wasn't a romantic person and honestly he wouldn't know how to put up a perfect date night even if he tried his best. It wasn't in his nature to be that guy. In that way he and Blay were so different. But he knew with all certainty that he loved Blay, more that his own life. There has never been anybody else for him, really. Sure, he has slept around a lot, he has been a whore in the worst possible way but when it came to loving another person with passion and desire, wanting another person with everything you are, for Qhuinn Blay has always been it. Nobody else has ever found his way into his heart. Hell, nobody has ever even come close, not even Layla. That part of him has always been Blay's. Since they were pretrans to this day, and for all eternity, Blay would always be his one and only love.

Deep down inside his soul Qhuinn has always been aware of that. He and Blay have grown up together and Qhuinn can still remember the time when things started changing. For them both. When their friendship started becoming something more that just friendship. When they started seeing each other as more than just great bodies but as possibility to so much more. Lovers and soul-mates. And as much as he hates himself for it now, Qhuinn was terrified of that love. He knew from the beginning how Blay felt for him. It has always been so clear in his eyes that somehow were always turned Qhuinn's way. They told him more than thousand words. Blay always looked at him with so much love reflecting in his eyes, so much wishing and desire and as much as Qhuinn hates to admit it, it scared him. He wasn't like that he told himself. No way, could he love a male like that. He wasn't gay but no mater how hard he tried to avoid it, the love he started feeling for Blay couldn't be pushed away. That feeling found its way to his heart and stayed there.

And what did he do? Instead of cherishing that love he stamped all over it, until he nearly destroyed it and in the process even himself. And Blay. Qhuinn knew that all of his actions have caused them both so much pain, but looking back at it now he didn't now if he could have acted differently. He needed to take that emotional trip and come to this point where he no longer is able to deny it. Blay was everything and no mater where Blay went Qhuinn would follow him. To the end of the world if necessary. Holding back his emotions for so long, holding back his bonding to Blay and his love has made him week and tonight's fade ceremony made him realize how short life really is. Every minute counted, every day counted. And he has wasted so much time already.

"Do it, just this once. So we'll both know what it's like. Just you and me, right here, right now." He told Blay, still holding his hand, his thumb slightly brushing Blay's hand. He wanted to do so much more that just holding hands. Qhuinn wanted it all, he ached for it and if Blay turned him down he didn't know how he would survive. His emotions were everywhere, all over the place, his bonding scent escaping out of his skin at speed light and he was struggling not to jump Blay. If Blay decided to stay here, to give himself to Qhuinn, it will be his decision and Qhuinn wouldn't pressure him. But waiting for Blay answer was a bitch and Qhuinn felt his body starting shaking. He didn't dare to move out of fear of scaring Blay away. "Please, stay with me" he told himself over and over again, waiting for Blay to answer.

"Yes" he heard Blay answer in a very quite and unsure voice, but it was all Qhuinn needed to hear. He closed his eyes for a second, just enjoying the meaning of that, little yes. And then, without second thoughts, he leaned in, placed his one hand on Blay's neck and his other on Blay's back, drawing him closer. He could feel the heat bouncing of Blay's body and desire taking him over. Blay wanted this as much as Qhuinn did. So he did the only one thing he could and wanted to do. He let his lips meet Blay's soft, beautiful once. No matter how many times they kissed it was never enough. There will never be enough, because Qhuinn would always hunger for the taste of Blay's lips and the feeling of Blay's trembling body. His hands were still on his neck, slightly brushing the warm skin under but Blay was still keeping his hands for himself, like he didn't dare to touch. Qhuinn pushed them backwards, lying on top of Blay, letting all his bodyweight pressure Blay down. They didn't brake the kiss, not once in their process of changing position and Blay's hands still didn't touch Qhuinn at all. Qhuinn hands grabbed the sheets on each side of Blay's head, his lover body slightly pressing forward making Blay feel his erection and making them both moan. And what do you know? He could feel Blay's hard cock meeting his own and Blay's body meeting his trusts.

"Touch me Blay." Qhuinn begged but he didn't care. He needed to feel Blay's hand on his body, taking him, owning him. "I want to, need to, feel your hands on me."

Qhuinn felt Blay's body shake under his and his hands tremble. Blay's touches were reclusive and shy at first, as if he didn't dare to release inhibitions and lose himself in the moment. Blay was still on his guard, ready to travel the ramparts around him, and his heart again, if the Qhuinn gave him even the slightest little hint of doubt. But this was Qhuinn's only chance to win back the love Blay once willingly and selflessly offered and Qhuinn would never, in hell, doubt it again. So he did all he could do. Kept kissing those lips, stroking that skin, touching that hair over and over again. And soon, step by step and breath by breath, he felt how Blay released inhibitions and gave everything. Soon they were equals, equally hungry for each other.

"We can take this as fast or slow as you like" Qhuinn whispered, meaning every word. And honestly, just having Blay here, in his arms, would be enough. It was more than he could have ever hoped for when he woke up last night. Sure, he hungered for that body and that ass, that cock, that passion, but if Blay didn't want to go there with him now, Qhuinn wouldn't pressure him. "I am so happy that you are here in my arms now. We can take this as far as you want it to go. Just lying here in each others arms or go all the way. Your choice"

Blay was just looking at him, his lips already swollen from their kissing, his hands at Qhuinn's hips. The expression on Blay's face told Qhuinn nothing about his thoughts but then a smile spread on his lips. That unique smile that was just Blay's and that was so rare these days: "I want you" Blay said, nuzzling his head in Qhuinn's neck, taking one deep breath, taking that bonding scent inside his body. "I want this scent all over my body, inside and out. I want to feel your body trembling. I want to take you and I want to give myself to you. As you said earlier, this day is just about us. Let's make the best of it. Come here"

Their lips met again and soon they were back at it. Blay flipped them over, making himself being on top. He was in control now. Qhuinn has never let anybody else be in control like this. Intimacy. He was usually terrified of it, but not with Blay. In Blay he trusted completely. He wanted him to have it all, take it all. No holding back, no fear, no nothing. That bullshit was behind them now.

"I am giving myself to you Blay." Qhuinn said breaking their kiss, locking his eyes with Blay's , honesty behind his words visible in his stare: "Take me, have me like nobody else has ever had me before. You will be the one and only I am giving myself to like this."

"Qhuinn, What are you saying?

"You know what I'm saying, Blay. You will be my first and my only"

Blay's eyes widened and he looked like he wasn't expecting this at all. It was written all over his face and it made Qhuinn feel even more vulnerable. "You know the kind of sex I have had Blay. No touching, no holding, no intimacy, nothing. Just fuck and leave. Nobody has ever touched me because I didn't want them to. But with you I want it all. I want to feel you in every way possible. Take me..."

Blay was smiling, not a mocking smile, but his beautiful smile. His fingers were brushing Qhuinn's cheek, his eyes just looking at him: " I love you Qhuinn." he said with every emotion almost visible behind his words. "I will be careful"

"I know you will" Qhuinn's hands were at Blay's back, brushing and touching and every minute coming closer and closer to Blay's ass. He wanted to feel that ass so he let his fingers land there and wait for a second, see if Blay was going to stop him. When that didn't happen, he squeezed and moaned. That ass was rock hard, muscles flexing under his touch. Blay was gorgeous, having a body of a God. Qhuinn couldn't hold it anymore, he wanted to scream. He was so God damn horny right now, his cock twitching in his pants, his emotions everywhere. He bit his lower lip, preventing himself of screaming, but in process puncturing his skin, blood sipping out of the small wound. He heard Blay groan and next second he felt Blay's tongue licking the blood away.

"mmm...you taste so good. O my God..." Blay whispered. His cock has found its rhythm, trusting against Qhuinn's. They were both so hard. "The first time hurts a bit. I will be careful, but you might feel pain anyway." Blay assured him and Qhuinn didn't care about the pain at all.

"I don't fucking care if you rip me apart completely. I want to feel your cock deep inside me. I want it so bad Blay."

Blay just looked at him for a second and then his lips crushed with Qhuinn's with such force that it caught Qhuinn by surprise. Qhuinn couldn't remember for how long they stayed in this position, just making out and being close. Clothes were lost somewhere between moaning, kissing and grounding . Blay was taking everything Qhuinn was willing to give witch right now was everything. All to soon Blay's lips left Qhuinn's but it didn't mater because his tongue started licking Qhuinn's skin. First his neck, then his nipples...sucking and licking and making him go crazy. And then he went even further down, all the way down. His lips and his hands were so near his cock he could almost feel the heat, but Blay didn't touch. At all...

"Blay...fuck...please..."

"What do you want Qhuinn?"

"You...your mouth, your hands...please..." he begged, arching his back of the mattress, moaning louder and louder. "Please...I can almost feel your heat. Take me in your mouth. Now"

Blay smiled once, looking Qhuinn straight in the eyes and then licked his cock. Just once and barely touching. Not enough, not nearly enough. "Do you want more Qhuinn?"

"Fuck yes..." And then Blay took all of Qhuinn into his mouth, giving him th best fucking blowjob ever. That moth knew what it was doing, Blay knew just how hard to suck, where to lick and how hard to squeeze. "Fuck...you're good. I'm gonna come" Blay didn't stop or lift his head, he just kept going faster and faster. Qhuinn couldn't take it anymore, he came, violently, screaming Blay's name and Blay took it all. Every single drop.

Qhuinn was breathing hard. This was the best fucking orgasm ever. Blay's mouth slowly left his cock, his tongue slightly licking the sensitive skin there before his lips came to back to Qhuinn's. They started kissing again and Qhuinn could taste himself on Blay's lips and that thought made him hard all over again.

"I need more of you Blay. I need it all." Qhuinn begged

"Come here. Stand on all four and arch your ass up" Qhuinn obeyed without question, making himself even more exposed. He has never, ever done anything remotely similar do this, but he didn't feel strange at all. He trusted Blay. "Do you have any...?"

"First drawer..." Blay scooter over to the bed stand, taking out KY and lubricating his fingers. And then he placed himself behind Qhuinn, pushing one finger inside. "This will hurt a bit, but it will pass."

Qhuinn didn't feel any pain when that first finger entered him. On contrary, he felt pleasure and started rocking himself against that finger. And then Blay pushed one more finger in and that one hurt a bit. His ass was cramping and he couldn't stop it.

"I know...but just try to relax and soon it will feel good" Blay soothed, making him relax. And when he was relaxed he started feeling pleasure again, started feeling fullness. Good...he wanted more. He started once again rocking himself against Blay's fingers, moaning.

"That feels good"

Blay's fingers soon left him and he felt the loss directly. But not for long because the next moment he felt Blay's cock at his entrance. "Are you sure of this Qhuinn?" Blay asked one last time, giving him one last chance to back out. No way, he wanted this more that anything or anyone ever before.

"Fuck yes..." was all he could say and it was enough, because he felt Blay's cock slowly entering him. Pain and pleasure mixed within him. When Blay was all the way inside, he stilled completely, giving Qhuinn time to adjust to intrusion and the size.

"Are you ok? You feel so tight...fuck..." he heard Blay ask. Blay's hands were at his back, brushing him slightly, soothing him and calming him. Slowly, achingly slowly, Blay started trusting and pounding, hitting something deep inside him, making Qhuinn scream. Pleasure was overwhelming. This was like nothing he ever felt before.

"Ahhh...Blay...what?" Qhuinn stammered, but right now he couldn't comprehend one complete sentence. That cock inside his as was all he could feel and all he could think of. "Don't stop,...God...Blay" Qhuinn moaned and begged and Blay started pounding harder, hitting that spot again. Qhuinn arched his ass even more, giving Blay a chance to hit that spot even deeper, making them both moan. This was sex, this was love, this was everything. This was first time ever that fucking made Qhuinn feel this complete, and he wasn't even doing the fucking. In his short life, Qhuinn has been a whore. To him sex was just fucking, no touching, no feeling, just in and out and you're done. But this was just something different. Body meeting body, desire meeting desire. Never in his life has he been this exposed before but he loved it. This feeling of not being in total control and doing the fucking, but being the one on the reeving end. Getting fucked, and fucked really good.

Blay's hands came to his shoulders, drawing him upwards, making his back hitting Blay's chest. Those beautiful abs. Blay brought his one hand to Qhuinn's neck, holding him close, his other to Qhuinn's hips, holding his steady. This was really happening, Qhuinn reminded himself, Blay really was here, Qhuinn wasn't dreaming or deluding himself in any way.

Qhuinn lost himself in the feeling of happiness and completeness. For a long time he has felt like a part of him is missing. Feeling of Blay's lips against his own, his cock berried deep inside him and his hands on Qhuinn's body, his tongue meeting his own over and over again was everything. This consumed him and he couldn't stop even if he wanted to. Not that he wanted to. He felt like his soul was leaving him, out-of-body experience of some kind. He felt like he was souring above them, just watching their expression of love. They were beautiful together. Being with Blay like this didn't feel strange or weird at all. It felt right and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

"Blay...fuck...don't stop. This feels so good..." he stammered feeling Blay's hands on his abs, his tongue licking the skin on his neck, his fangs slightly scraping the skin there. Qhuinn turned his head slightly to the right, exposing his neck and his vein even more and he got the reaction he wanted. Blay moaned loudly and his fangs stopped just above that vain.

"Do it Blay...take it...now..."

And he didn't need to say it twice. Blay struck him heard, breaking his skin in an instant. He started pounding even harder, his hands on Qhuinn's hips holding him tighter and Qhuinn felt his own orgasm coming. Soon he would exp load, he would come everywhere. Having a male taking his vain like this was nothing like when a female did that. With a female everything goes slowly, even the hardest struck. But with Blay, God...there was force behind his actions and they were more equal. Just that thought made his cock twitch.

Blay kept sucking, pounding harder and moaning louder and Qhuinn started stroking his own cock, wanting a release so fucking bad. Qhuinn wanted Blay to continue pounding his ass with that thick cock, hitting that special spot deep inside him again and again, making him moan and whisper his name, begging for more. Qhuinn's hand was stroking his cock, fast and hard, his orgasm building up. Blay's pounding became uneven and Qhuinn felt that they were both near. Qhuinn couldn't hold his orgasm back anymore, it hit him hard, his seed spilling everywhere in front of him. And Blay was there with him, taking couple final hard trusts and came, deep inside Qhuinn. That warm seed filling him up. Blay let go of his vain, licking the wounds. As hard as Blay struck his vain, there will be a mark left and Qhuinn was so on board with that. Both of them stilled for a minute, breathing hard, theirs chests pumping up and down like they have run a marathon.

"That was...amazing" he heard Blay whisper, his head leaned between Qhuinn's shoulder-blades.

"Yeah...amazing doesn't even cut it." Qhuinn said with uneven voice. "You feel so fucking good inside me, I never wanted you to stop pounding my ass. Sex has never, ever, felt this good before Blay. This was just...perfect."

"I'm glad you liked it" Blay smiled, his lips placing soft kissed on Qhuinn's skin. "This was so much better that every fucking fantasy I ever had. This was just...God...I don't even have words for it."

Qhuinn leaned his head on Blay's shoulders, moaning: "Mmmm...yeah...I feel the same way."

Blay placed one last, soft kiss on Qhuinn's skin and then really, painfully slowly eased out of him.

"You want to take a shower together?" Blay asked him, slowly stretching on the mattress, every muscle visible flexing. God, Qhuinn was still hungry. Hungry for Blay and that body. The bonding scent started pouring out of his skin again and Blay's stare found his. He understood what Qhuinn wanted and how bad he wanted it. Blay arched himself up on his elbows, his lips softly kissing Qhuinn's, their breathing becoming rigid again. They were not going to make to the shower. No, soon they were at it again, kissing, touching and tasting. "Shower can wait. Right now, I just want you"


	8. Chapter 8- Passion and desire, part 2

**Hi everybody. Sorry for the wait with the uploading. My computer broke down and I had to get a new one. **

**But here is the second part of the "love scene". And later today, one more chapter will be up.**

**One more thing. This new computer doesn't have automatic corection function. So there might be more gramatical errors that usual. Sorry! **

**Hope you like it anyway. **

Blay has never made love to anyone. Not really. Sure he has had sex, with both genders. He has fucked before, but his heart has never been in it. And how could have been, when that part of him always belonged to Qhuinn. God, how many nights and days hasn't he dreamt of this, the two of them together, their body so close, their hearts beating as one. Taking Qhuinn like this felt unreal and like a fantasy. Qhuinn never gave himself to anybody, Blay knew this. And that is the reason this seemed like another dream. Hearing Qhuinn say the words, "Blay you will be my first" and then letting Blay take him in every way possible was just amazing. He didn't have the words for it. It was what he has always dreamed of. Qhuinn was everything, every dream, every wish he ever had. This was not just sex, this was love and desire, passion and life. And even though everything else felt confusing and different he was happy. Truly happy for the first time in his life. And wasn't that just special feeling.

When he was a child and he and Qhuinn were friends his feelings towards the guy started changing. Really early. And when he realized what has happened and that he was in love, he realized at the same time that Qhuinn would reject him. No matter how he felt towards Blay, he would reject him. And that realization killed some part of him. That part of him has been gone ever since and has prevented him from feeling true happiness.

When it came to sex it was easy. Yes, he has had sex with females and come to terms with the fact that was not doing it for him. That wasn't turning him, not the way males did. Males were masculine, their body's powerfull and more similar to his own. He hasn't experienced a lot. He has had one male lover, Saxton, but that was enough. They have shared some hot nights and days, and those times have helped him a lot. Not just in figuring out who he was, but also in living with the rejection and mess that Qhuinn left behind. And somehow throughout the years he has accepted the fact that it would always be like this. He would always feel like a part of him is missing. Because Qhuinn would never want him the same way Blay wants him. Blay has grown accustomed to that and earlier tonight he even decided to leave this place, take his misery with him and just escape. But this moment right now changed everything. For the first time since he was a child, he was happy. Qhuinn was his. And how could he leave the guy now. Sure, there is still so much to deal with, so much rejection and hurt to get past, but not right now. Right now he was with Qhuinn, feeling his tight ass around his cock and that shaking body trembling beneath his touch. Moaning sounds that were coming from his lover were making him wild and his orgasm was building up fast. Qhuinn's blood was slipping down his troat, making the feeling complete. Qhuinn tasted amazing, his blood like gasoline for Blay's desire. God, they were not just fucking, they were actually making love. Giving each other what they both have wanted for so long and what only they could give each other.

Blay trusted hard, sucked and moaned, taking every moment in. Just being here and now with his one love. Taking him, loving him the way he always wanted to. And soon his orgasm ripped through him. Blay's whole body was shaking, his knees were weak. When he came, he let go of Qhuinn's vain and was now licking the wound shut. He needed to lay down, take a minute and just breathe and come back to reality.

"That was...amazing" he heard himself whisper, not even aware of the words coming ut of his mouth.'

"Yeah...amazing doesn't even cut it." Qhuinn answered, his voice equally uneven and shaky. "You feel so fucking good inside me, I never wanted you to stop pounding my ass. Sex has never, ever, felt this good before Blay. This was just...perfect."

Qhuinn's words were like medicine. Everything about tonight was sealing him up. All the invisible cuts and bruises on his heart and soul were sealing up. Sure they were still sore and they still hurt, but with every word coming from Qhuinn tonight, with every touch and kiss they were becoming less and less painful. If Qhuinn leaved him after this, if he changed his mind and rejected him again all of those wounds will open up again and this time they would be deeper. The pain will become unbearable. But no, Blay told himself. He will not worry about that now. Not now. This moment was perfect, just perfect. He will not let his fear ruin everything. He just closed his eyes and put everything else aside again.

"I'm glad you liked it" Blay smiled, his lips placing soft kisses on Qhuinn's skin. "This was so much better than every fucking fantasy I ever had. This was just...God...I don't even have words for it."

"Mmmm...yeah...I feel the same way."

Blay slowly eased ut of Qhuinn, not wanting to hurt him, knowing that this was Qhuinn's first time. He laid down on the bed, his eyes never leaving Qhuinn. God, this male is gorgeous, Blay thought and he couldn't still believe that he shared his bed tonight. unbelievable. And as he was watching Qhuinn he wanted more. He wanted to be marked, to be taken. To belong to Qhuinn and only Qhuinn, to wear his bonding scent with pride. In an attempt to hide his desire he said the first words that came to his mind:

"You want to take a shower together?" And as Qhuinn's eyes found his, he knew. His desire was not unanswered. Qhuinn wanted more, his breathing became rigid again, his bonding scent started filling the room again. The smell of dark spices once again surrounding them. And Blay couldn't resist anymore, not that he wanted to. He arched himself up on his elbows, his lips softly kissing Qhuinn's.

"Shower can wait. Right now, I just want you" he heard Qhuinn whisper. And yes, shower could certainly could wait.

Blay felt how Qhuinn pushed him down on the mattress, pressing him down with his bodyweight. Blay loved the feeling Qhuinn on top of him. Just owning him, being in control. He could feel Qhuinn's erection, he was rock hard again and that brought a smile to Blay's lips. He loved the thought that he could bring that reaction out of Qhuinn, because everything else could be covered up with words and hidden behind actions, but not this. Qhuinn could lie about everything else concerning him, but not his desire. Qhuinn's desire was telling Blay everything he needed to know. Qhuinn wanted him, bad.

Their kissing became passionate and demanding. Qhuinn wanted it all and Blay wasn't objecting. Qhuinn wanted to take him, just like Blay has taken Qhuinn not so long ago, and with every fear ripping through his mind, Blay knew that he wouldn't object. He would give himself to Qhuinn. There was no doubt about that. Hurting and getting past everything could wait til tomorrow. Right now he wanted to know what it felt like to be Qhuinn's, to belong to him.

Qhuinn's fingers were brushing Blay's cheek. He was so so compassionate. Blay knew that Qhuinn's outer was just "I'm a bad ass motherfucker" but behind that facade there is so much compassion hidden. Even though their kissing was demanding, Qhuinn was still so careful. His hands were not grabbing, they were caressing and touching, achingly slow. Blay's hands were on Qhuinn's back, touching and feeling his skin. Suddenly Qhuinn broke the kiss, lifted his head and looked Blay straight in the eyes. The look on Qhuinn's face was different from every look he has given Blay before. There was something else hidden behind those beautiful mismatched eyes. And as Blay started wondering the answer soon showed itself. Qhuinn's bonding scent started coming out of his skin, stronger that before. It surrounded them like a fog, hiding them from the rest of the world. Blay understood it then. The look on Qhuinn's face was look of a bonded male, wanting to mark the object of his bonding. Blay smiled, couldn't help himself. It was still unbelievable that he was the object to Qhuinn's bonding.

"I love you Blaylock. I know that I have done everything wrong by you, but I can't hide this anymore. Nor do I want to" as the words came out of Qhuinn's mouth he crooked his head to the right and took one deep breath. Taking and feeling his own bonding scent. "I have hidden this for so long, but not anymore. I can't do it anymore. I will never be worthy of you, but I will give it my best to be everything to you. I love you so fucking much, always have loved you."

"Qhuinn..." Blay whispered, his hands brushing Qhuinn's back, soothing him. "I love you too. You know how much I do. You are my every dream"

Blay closed his eyes while he hid his head in the crock of Qhuinn's neck, his arms embracing his lover, holding him tight. Never wanting to let go. That bonding scent was everywhere, getting inside his every vain. It's purpose is to mark, and Blay was already getting there.

"Mine..." Qhuinn's voice brought him back to reality. His voice sounded different. Possessive and not recognizable. "You are mine, Blaylock. Tell me you are mine"

Blay just looked Qhuinn straight in the eyes before saying. "I am yours."

Qhuinn closed his eyes, his lower body pressing against Blay's, their cocks meeting. Blay moaned, having hard time to think beside his desire. "Take me Qhuinn. I am yours."

Qhuinn started kissing his collarbone, his abs and coming back again to his lips. All the while mumbling "mine" over and over again. In the process Qhuinn moved over to one side, laying beside Blay while his hands found their way to Blay's cock and ass. They were touching and teasing, making Blay go crazy. Qhuinn pushed one finger inside Blay and they both moaned.

"I want you so fucking much Blay."

"I want you to take me. Come here" Blay pushed himself once again to his elbows, his lips once again colliding with his lovers. Qhuinn's fingers soon left him and as he changed position, he broke the kiss. Qhuinn spread Blay's legs wide apart, while he found the KY, making himself ready. His gaze fund Blay's eyes and a smile spread across that beautiful face. Soon he hovered over Blay, that body once again owning him.

"Lift your legs up a bit."'And Blay obeyed, giving his lover better access. And Qhuinn was not far behind. As soon as Blay lifted his legs up, he could feel Qhuinn's cock at his entrance, waiting to get inside. And with a gaze that never left Blay's eyes, Qhuinn entered him, filling him up, while saying the words: "You are mine" loud and clear.

Blay moaned and arched his back up, closing his eyes. The feeling of Qhuinn inside him, was unbelievable. Qhuinn started trusting. First really slow, painfully slow. But as the minutes passed and both started panting and wanting a realise, the trust became hard and fast. The bonding scent was still present. Qhuinn was marking him, inside and out. And as Blay opened his eyes, the sight almost took his breath away. Qhuinn was looking at him with possessives and love, mixed within him:

"Mine...mine...mine..." he heard Qhuinn mumble over and over again. And before Blay even caught up with what happened, he felt Qhuinn bend further down, still trusting hard and licked the vain at Blay's neck. The struck was hard, not holding anyting back. This was going to leave a mark on Blay's skin and that thought made him feel like a teenage girl. Just giggling. And as soon as Qhuinn started sucking on that vain, his trust became uneven and Blay felt how his orgasm was near. That made his own cock twitch and he came , violently. Moaning Qhuinn's name, grabbing onto his skin. And that is when he sensed how Qhuinn started shaking and after last few hard trust, he came, his cock berried deep inside Blay.

Qhuinn licked the wound, but still it would leave a mark on Blay's skin. For few minutes neither of them said anything or moved even a bit. They just took their time to come back to reality. Blay felt Qhuinn's lips slightly kissing his neck and skin near his ears.

"You are mine now." Qhuinn whispered, smile spreading on his lips.

"I smell like you. Everybody will know what happened here."

"Good. That is the point. I want everybody to know. I have hidden my feelings and my bonding to you for so long. Now I just want to proudly announce to the world that you are mine."

"Qhuinn...I want that to. But are you really ready for that? Once the word gets ut, there is no going back. Everybody will know and even though you change your mind again, everybody will still know." Blay said, feeling the fear coming back to him.

"Hey, stop saying that. I will never, ever change my mind again. I love you. And believe it or not, I am not that subtile, everybody knows how I feel for you already. I have panted after you for so long now. Everybody has figured it out already." Qhuinn kissed him once again, and then easing out of him. He got out of the bed, and reached his hand out for Blay to take it.

"How about that shower?"

As Blay smiled towards his lover, he reached his hand out and let himself be leed to the bathroom.  
After the shower, a blowjob and one more round of sex, the deal was sealed. Even if the water had taken away Qhuinn's scent of his body, Qhuinn marked im once again and by doing so he sealed the deal. There was no going back now. Tonight, at First Meal, everybody will know. And even thought that felt intimidating and scary, Blay still couldn't stop smiling. He felt Qhuinn's arms holding him close, embracing him, he realized that he didn't care about anything else. Qhuinn was here with him, holding him, loving him. No matter what happened tomorrow, right now Blay was happier that ever before in his life. And wasn't that worth it all.


	9. Chapter 9 - It is me and you from now on

When shutters went up for the night Qhuinn stirred in his half awake, half asleep state. He was still in daze, feeling sore all over but still so satisfied and at ease He opened his eyes and stretched, smiling with a tingling feeling all over his gut. What happened between him and Blay during the day was like a dream. To good and precious to be true, but still so real. His sore body and his sleeping lover were the proof.

How many times hasn't he wished for it to be true, how many times hasn't he imagined Blay and him together like this, as lovers and equals, belonging to each other with mind, body, heart and soul. Just them together, sharing everything like it was always meant to be. God, nothing in his pathetic excuse for a life ever felt so fucking right. He has given himself to Blay in every way possible and for the first time in his life he could honestly say that he was truly happy. Belonging to Bay like that was the only thing ever that has made him feel this complete.

To him Blay was everything, now even more than before. Qhuinn had long ago realized that he loved the guy, but after being with him like this, his bonded side went nuts with possesiveness. Just thinking of Blay walking out of this room and his life made him want to lock the door and never, ever open it up. MINE!

The word was spinning before his eyes. He is mine! Qhuinn closed his eyes, concentrated on his breathing, trying to calm himself down. The room was so quite and dark, enlighted only by the moonlight from outside. He listened to the sounds around him and all he could hear was the calm breathing coming from Blay who was laying on his front. His shoulders were massive. His head was turned towards Qhuinn and watching him like this, made Qhuinn's heart swell up with love. Beautiful. MINE! The word started once again coming back to him, but this time not only with fear and possessiveness, but also love. This was who he loved and no matter what happened between them down the line, Qhuinn knew that he couldnt' t be with anybody ever again like this. Blay was the one that has woken him up, saved him from the nothingness he was becoming. Sure, he had Layla and their young and that made him really happy. Of course it did, but Blay was the one that made him complete. If he lost Blay he knew that he would come undone and just disappear if not for his young. And for that he was both grateful and proud. But nothing will be complete if Blay left him. Mine, mine, mine!

The word was making him crazy, the feeling of anger, fear, love, despair, happiness and desire just mixing within him. Qhuinn couldn't take his eyes away from his lover, his fingers slightly brushing Blay's back, barely touching, not wanting to wake him up but enough for himself to feel the heat bouncing of that body. His own body reacted, immediately hardening, his own desire waking up and once again dark spices feeled the room. God, just one little touch and he was already panting. Qhuinn has never wanted anybody like this, and everything with Blay was so different from everybody else. Before Blay sex was just sex. The only purpose with it was to ease his own desire. Just fuck. But with Blay he wanted more. Sure, he wanted Blay's body, wanted to take him, fuck him, but also he wanted to make Blay feel good. To hear Blay scream his name, beg him for more. He wanted to se Blay's eyes go wild with desire and pleasure. And most importantly, he wanted Blay to take him. He wanted to give himself to Blay over and over.

Blay stirred in his sleeping state, before he opened his eyes. Those blue eyes locked with Qhuinn, smile spreading across his face. How long ago hasn't it been since Qhuinn saw that smile? That sincere smile, coming from deep within Blay. Not manufactured or fake, just honest and beautiful. Qhuinn knew that he was the one that had taken away that smile from Blay, and now he was the one that brought it back. His bonding scent started once again pour out of him and he couldn't prevent his own smile. He leaned his head to one side, taking one deep breath:

"Hi. Did you sleep well?

"Yeah..." Blay blushed, his smile lingering on his lips. "You know, if you don't control those dark spices, soon the whole house will smell like you and not just me."

"Yeah..." Qhuinn hovered over Blay, their lips mare inches apart. "I don't care if everybody senses my bonding scent. I want everybody to know that I am a bonded male. Besides, it is only triggered when you are around or when someone says your name."

"God, I still can't believe it. I just..." word's got stuck in Blay's trout, and Qhuinn could se that he was struggling.

"What? Please, tell me..." Qhuinn has been begging a lot these last 24 hours, and he was willing to beg for al eternity, if that meant that Blay would be his.

"I don't know Qhuinn. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I just, i don't know..." looking away before continuing, Blay's voice became even softer, quieter "I don't want my fear to ruin everything, but I can't stop thinking that you will bolt at any time now. Or as soon as we get out of this room..." Blay's eyes looked at him once again, apologetic and sad "I'm sorry"

"No, don't apologize. I know how bad I have hurt you. I know that I need to prove myself to you and I will do everything I can to make you trust me again. I promise. Just give me a chance."

Blay smiled at him, his arms embracing him, holding him tight "I will do my best to get past this. I just need time to...I don't know...to get used to all of this."

"I know. I certainly haven't been acting this way around you...ever. All you have gotten from me is rejection and pain. I know that trusting me again takes time, and I will give you as much time as you need. And meanwhile, I will do everything in my power to prove to you that I want you and only you."

Blay sighed, his eyes closed, his arms still holding Qhuinn in a warm embrace. "I love you" he heard Bay whisper.

"I love you too" Qhuinn's answer was soft.

"You know what? I love your eyes. They are so unique and beautiful. I could lose myself in them. I love when they are watching me."

"They are always watching you, you know. I am always watching you, Blay."Qhuinn's voice sounded so full of emotion. "All this time. Since we were pretrans and to this day..."

A smile spread across Qhuinn's face before he started speaking again. "I remember the day I first saw you after your transition. God, you looked so hot, I had a hard time containing myself. And I remember one time when we shared this girl. You were doing her from behind, and even though she was there doing her thing to me, I couldn't get enough of you. Watching you...I wanted to throw her aside and let you take me like that instead."

Qhuinn's stare became lost, he was watching Blay but his eyes were not there. Sadness replaced his beautiful bonding scent, his voice becoming a mere whisper. "And I remember, that time in your bedroom. When I kissed you and my bonding scent surprised us both. I remember the pain after leaving you there, and I remember how bad it hurt when you brought him here that first time. I remember hearing you having..."he words got stuck in his throat as if he was choking.

"Hey...don't do this to yourself. It is what it is, Qhuinn. We can't change what happened. We just have to go forward from here. We are together now." Blay soothed but Qhuinn was past that point. He had to get this out:

"I need to tell you. It killed me seeing you with him. Since that day in your room up until now I have been a bonded male watching my mate with somebody else, knowing that it was my faoult. That I had pushed you into his arms..."

"Qhuinn, please. I hate seeing you this sad."

Qhuinn ignored him, the words coming out of his moth on their own. "But even though I was heartbroken, I knew that he was worthy of you. Sure, he was a whore to, but he stepped up when you needed him. And, even though I was watching you, to my blind eyes, you looked happy. So I just came to the conclusion that watching you with him is my punishment. I was supposed to watch you with him, knowing that I could have been yours and you could have been mine. I supposed that I was going to go through life, being half male without my true mate."

One more deep breath, and then even more sad words: "I thought that I could do it, you know. Layla and I became friends, and believe me when i tell you, that we have been together only once. And just for the conceiving. She always knew how I felt for you. I couldn't mate her. I couldn't do that to her, Condemn her to a mate that would his whole life pant after someone else. So we comforted each other, and when the opportunity came, we decided to create a young together. I thought that I had lost you forever, Blay. I needed something of my own, my own family. And now, with my young on its way, I can't regret it. I am happy that I will be a father."

"Hey, you listen to me, really good. I never, ever expected of you to regret having a young. I know that it will take time for me to trully accept that, and getting used to Layla will be difficult, but I want you to know that I will see your young as my own. Love it as it is my flesh and blood." Blay said with steady voice, meaning behind his words hear loud and clear.

"I know, I didn't mean it like that. I just need to explain...Anyway, these last couple of months I was doing ok. I was still unhappy, but I got used to it. Until yesterday and that Fade Ceremony. After seeing Thor going though that, I saw myself in him. I had lost my mate to someone else. And then I saw you in the doorway. In his arms. And that was just last drop. I realized that I was not ging to go through life without showing you how I feel. If you then chose him instead, then I would have to accept that but at least you would have known that I loved you. Love you."

Blay smiled before saying: "And then I came here, telling you was leaving"

Qhuinn's bonding scent started pouring ut of him again, his fear once again lingering in the air.

"Hey...calm down. I won't go anywhere. I promise. Not now, not after this day."

"God, I am terrified of loosing you. I need you. Now even more that before. I can't lose you Blay."

"You won't. We will work this through."

Qhuinn couldn't talk anymore, he just bent down and let his lips meet Blay's. Their kissing started ut slow, but soon it was once again passionate and demanding. Trusting against each other, both of them equally hard and panting. They were going to have sex again. Of this Qhuinn was sure, and he was so happy about that. Qhuinn was on top, but rolled them around.

"Take me again" he whispered in Blay's ear, and he didn't need t say it twice.

"Turn around" Blay whispered back and Qhuinn gladly obeyed.

Being taken by Blay felt so right. Belonging to him and only him. And as Blay was pounding him, taking and owning him, body and blood, Qhuinn came, his orgasm ripping through him, making him feel set. And soon, Blay was there with him, coming down from the heights they have been at moments ago. Easing out of him, Blay laid down beside Qhuinn, his fingers slightly brushing Qhuinn's skin, his touch lingering before saying:

"Mmm...I could get used to waking up like that every night, you know. "

"Me to" Qhuinn smiled back at him, satisfied. " I have to go out tonight with JM and Xhex. We are on rotation"

"Ok, I am of duty tonight, so I'll just hang around here. Catch up on my sleep." that beautiful smile was once again covering Blay's face and as Qhuinn watche him he thought "God, I love you".

"Blay, you have to promise me one thing." Qhuinn sighed, fear and despair everywhere around him."Don't leave me. Please. I can't lose you."

"Qhuinn, what is this? I won't. Sure, when I came here last night I said goodbye and intended to leave this place. But everything is different now. Don't you think?"

"Of course I do. I just can't bear the thought of not being with you again. Of loosing you."

"Let that go. We go on forward from here. Not backwards. So, just stop worrying. I need you to focus when you are out fighting tonight, and not worrying about me. I will be here waiting for you. I promise."

"Ok..." Qhuinn sighed and kissed him lightly on the lips again. "I need to get cleaned and get dressed before First Meal."

"Yeah, so do I..."Blay closed his eyes, and asked one more time. "Qhuinn are, you sure you are ready for this? When we get down there everybody will know. Your scent is everywhere on me. I think that we can get it of if we shower long enough. If you are not ready for this, it's ok."

And even before Blay finished his sentence, he got his answer when Qhuinn's scent once again started pouring out of him.

"My scent is your answer . I want you to wear it and let everybody know that you are mine, but if you are not ready I understand. I will let you wash my scent away if you want to..."

"NO, I don't want to..." Blay interrupted him and Qhuinn smiled towards him ,slightly kissing his lips:

"...but if you want to wear it I will be so proud, standing by your side as your mate in front of everybody in this mansion. And anywhere else for that matter."

Blay smiled and with a kiss sealed the deal. They got up from the bed, cleaned up and got some clothes on before going down to First Meal. Hand in hand, they left the room. Qhuinn's bonding scent lingered in the air around them. Soon all the brothers and their shellans will know that everything they suspected during last few years was true. Qhuinn and Blay were in love, their hearts were ment to beat a one and finally they were together. As they were always meant to be.


End file.
